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all i know... right now... is that YOU BETTER NOT LAY A HAND ON YOU!!!!! i WILL SERIOUSLY NOT DO WELL IF SOMETHING LIKE THAT HAPPENS TO YOU!!!!! i DO NOT WANT ANYTHING!!!!! ALL i WANT IS FOR YOU TO FEEL BETTER!!!!! FOR YOU TO SMILE!!!!! FOR YOU TO LAUGH!!!!! FOR YOU TO FEEL GREAT!!!!! i WANT YOU TO SIT BACK AND DO NOTHING!!!!! i WILL NOT EVEN LOOK AT YOU!!!!! i WILL DO SOMETHING FOR YOUR RENT!!!!! YOUR CABLENET!!!!! YOUR GROCERIES!!!!! i DO NOT CARE!!!!! and this may sound illogical to some people, heck... maybe even you! but i do not care!!!!! i seriously do not care!!!!! PLEASE! TELL ME YOU ARE OK! PLEASE TELL ME YOU ARE HEALTHY! YOU WILL KILL ME IN LIFE IF YOU HATE ME.

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because i wouldn't love you any other way. any other way, and it would not be you, so... i would not care, just the same... and listen to music, and read, and write, and paint, and draw, and do nothing with no one... because i have never been good at having friends... because i believe in being faithfull to the Cuban saying of better being alone than amongst bad company... and so... so i hate certain places, and so i hate being around people that drain me - that drain me because i cannot stay as close as i can to you... whether it's writing here, or on the phone, or somewhere else... it doesn't matter - what matters is your smile. your happiness. your health. your wellbeing... your comfort, your goodness. you drinking water because it keeps you healthy and your brain feeling good.

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whatever it is, i... im afraid you may take this as me just... being "smart" or an idiot, or my trying to make myself seem like the "odd one out" etc etc etc. you know me too well to know i am not like that.you know me well enough to know i care about nothing other than you! i dont care about me! im shit! im crap! im scum! im not good for anything! what is the basis of my life? what do i live for, since way back when some 29 years ago? what is the truth behind the whole pittyfull bullshit im writing here? to try and make you feel sorry for me? etc... which i know you won't... because i know you don't give a damn... because it's just.... OMGness!!!!! i adore you! do you have any idea! no... you truly don't... i guess... or maybe you do... and you know it way too well!

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i don't know if youre reading this... i do not have the slightest clue.i hope you are.what do you think this is for me- i ask you to please please plees forgive me for not being perfect.i do not know what to say.what to do.what to think.all i think is that you hate me for loving you.you hate me for loving who you are.and yes.and no.i am not upset.no.im hoping to be forgiven.my eyes yes are beginning to hurt.i... im... im sorry i am not perfect.you are that to me.

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hi